seemethru

FYI I've moved. Right now it's http://monkeyprincess.wordpress.com. Eventually I'll get the engine setup on eepeep.net :)

I'm really annoyed at my husband. He waits until 11pm to work on something... it doesn't work out right, and it's too late to call support because they are closed. Not to mention I wanted to be in bed an hour ago, but was waiting for him to finish this...

I can't express how ... erked I am. And I can't tell him. If I say anything he'll get all defensive and say that he was waiting on my email which never showed up. ... right. Ok, if it never showed... I'm within 2 yards of you... ask me.

Gr!

Ugh. You'd think after experiencing so much death in my life I'd have the right words to say to someone. Instead I just bumble and sound ... well, stupid and bumbling.

My Grandmother used to actually kick herself. I could do that right now.

Blah!

Anyways. I met with a counselor @ Chabot and laid out my summer and fall courses. I should have a cert in Accounting by the end of the fall semester. A lot of the coursework for the cert also meets requirements for a business degree, so that's good. And it gives me some time to decide what I want to pursue. Project Management, Accounting, Marketing or Design... ? Hum. Right now I'll just be happy if I can get through the next two weeks without loosing a body part!

Breathe. One thing at a time. I need to get Kogent's stuff done right now. Then work with Tricia on BCI stuff. Then school work and/or lunch... followed by school work. Right. Oh! And I still need to work on Kogent's site!

Right. Get to it.

my heart is breaking

It wasn't a friendship. It was strained by so much.. crap. Me thinking that I had to have all the answers without an education. Him making his push on me and my life. Them expecting everything and giving nothing. Me being alone and wanting nothing more than... something.

It could have been a friendship. An odd one. She was odd. I'm not exactly normal either. Those were some painful times. People I loved turning on me. Me turning on them in ways I thought... as something other than turning.

It was a very dark time.

I just sent a message to her husband on myspace. Asking to reconnect with his wife. I don't know. If I were them, I don't know that I would respond. Too much weight. The past is so heavy. It was difficult for me to send that message. It means facing the darkness that I've locked away. It means accepting my own responsibility and not forcing anyone to look at theirs. For I can only be what I am and who I am. I have no effect on anyone else.

Leave it in His hands and just breathe.

Men are so frustrating. Really - you can't even get me a drink or say anything about my last day? Really. Nothing. Then complain when I ask? Really?

Whatever.

Today. Today was insane. Something about mold. Something about termites. Something about cars and keys. Something about money.

It was a crazy day.

It's currently 9:43pm and I haven't done my English reading. I'm not going to. I haven't done any home work. I'm not going to. I'm tired. I could, however, play Guild Wars for an hour or two. It's like drawing from a different reserve.

Odd how that works.

I won't be playing Guild Wars, don't worry mommy-like-friends.

Tomorrow I have class, then I am meeting with a counselor to discuss my academic future. Where do I want to go? I don't know. Maybe they can show me some doors or at least give me a cryptic response which I will then translate into a direction.

After that, I have BCI. However there's a few Kogent things that need to be taken care of... so really tomorrow isn't much of BCI other than utilizing their office space while I work.

Hum. I wonder if they would allow me to use their office space on and off as needed to meet with clients. That would be cool. I could pay them an hourly rate for use. Hum.

Another random thought.. I need to purchase a new laptop stand. I think mine is starting to act up.

Friday is a girl's lunch. My last official day. In reality, I'll still be working with them until their website and brochures are completed. Until Tricia has all the answers and my head is empty.

Which reminds me of the "banking" method of education. Which makes me feel bad for not doing my reading. I really enjoyed this one.

Oh well. I can read in class tomorrow. She makes us "fess up" on the reading. If we haven't read it, then we get an opportunity to read it while people are in groups. I've read part of it. Hum.

Topics for an essay. I'll have to make those up in class tomorrow. I had some ideas.

Shhheeet. I just remembered my ASL homework.

Ok, yah. I'll be doing some homework tonight.

I enjoy the construction trade. I could even go as far as to say I love it. I understand it. I'm good at my job.

I discovered this working at BCI. I also discovered that I'm skilled and intelligent. I was always suspicious....

Sadly, there's a time for all things to end. I submitted my resignation today. breathe. It's an adventure, this route we've chosen. Today was the first step.

My stomach is all acid this morning.

I dont' want to be at BCI. I want to be driving to Lodi and spreading flower petals on the graves of my family.

I want to be at home, cleaning up the house. Getting things done. Working on Kogent. Trying to make some money at new life rather than laying in the carcass of a rotting cow.

Can we afford to live if I'm not working? Or working for pennies? It's been impossible to find a part-time position that pays decently. It makes my stomach turn and burn my throat.

I know that I need to trust God in these things. He has done so much for us the past few weeks - why would I turn my face from Him now? When it's needed the most.

I need to focus this morning, get some things done and get out of here. I can't waste my day here.

I need to leave.

Yippie. I made my first pattern in photoshop... completely from scratch.

It's a simple thing, but it makes me happy.